No one approves of my makeup, boyfriend, or cape and as a result, I am in abject despair. What do you suggest?

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Answered by: Colleen, An Expert in the Teenage Advice - General Category
Dear Abject Despair:

As a graduate of the Courtney Love School of Dress and a purveyor of wearing Kabuki makeup to the grocery store, I say follow your heart. My employers never approve of me wearing tattered wife-beaters in the office either and well...err...that's sort of why I'm reduced to looking for writing jobs on Craigslist now. The difference between us is that you are not pushing 30 and it's still sort of cute. Your Comcast bill isn't 800 dollars a month even though you have called them nightly in a blind rage and explained that you could not pay the 800 dollars without prostituting yourself. You haven't asked them repeatedly to remove the stupid phone you never use, only for them to insist that you do in fact need the phone to keep your "Triple Play" deal in effect, thereby preventing the bill from being 900 dollars instead of 800. You don't hang up in abject despair and reach for the bottle. You're not there yet, so I don't even know what you're bitching about. Ah, but you're headed there if you continue dressing like a whore and smearing eyeliner all over your face like Amy Winehouse. So, you know what? Scratch what I said earlier about following your heart. Get yourself to your nearest Old Navy and buy yourself some cardigans. Stop doing your makeup like the dude from The Crow, and maybe people will start to take you seriously. You won't find yourself being the first person fired from her State Job for something other than conducting NAMBLA meetings from her office. You didn't think State Workers could get fired, did you? Well that's what you're looking at. I hope it instills you with as much terror as it would have me, had a dismissed State Worker told me as much when I was your age. I would have disposed of my cape and black lipstick right then.

Okay, I think I've adequately counseled this youth. If you haven't noticed a motif already, I have a slight problem with authority and thus resent the fact that I have to keep typing until I've reached 500 words. If this kid is anything like me, she's not going to listen to anything I have to say anyway. Clearly I have no business offering advice to minors, but I did not see another, less legally binding option. I mean, I could give advice about cars, but it would be limited to my experience being jerked around at Jiffy Lube about 20-dollar air filters that I don't actually need (according to my father). I could dispense romantic advice to adults, but only if they were inquiring about internet boyfriends. I can easily tell you how to get a very good deal on round-trip flights to Rhode Island from California to see this internet boyfriend (make him pay for it/transfer 5 times in such places as Podunk, Idaho and Kodiak, Alaska). Boyfriends should be at least 3,000 miles away, I always say. And employers. *Wink.*

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